Decisions
are made during certain moments of life for the simple reason that they have to
be made. Maybe if analyzed in full, some of these decisions would be foolish because
they are often made at the spur of the moment without any sense of direction at
all…
Maybe…
But they
have to be made…
And what one
can do is to deal with its repercussions when time comes…
It is in the
uncertainty that people lose themselves… and stability in life is something
that everyone wants. To ignore it and to continue riding the roller coaster
that is life would be madness, indeed.
Dusk…in a desolate
train station somewhere… we find Bodoh and Kalbo waiting for their ride. They
have just finished visiting the wise old man Tasyo and after a whole day
sleeping off his drunken stupor, Bodoh is now sober.
The train
station is empty save for themselves and the cold bite of the incoming nights
chill was slowly encroaching on the small platform. Outside, the cicadas are
slowly starting their nightly concert and every now and then, the hoot of an
owl broke the din.
“Are you ok?”
Kalbo looked at Bodoh’s forlorn form sitting on the bench. He knew what was in
the other man’s mind and he knew that the question was pointless but he had to
initiate the conversation. He had no intention of spending the next hour
waiting for their ride with only his mind for company… and he knew that Bodoh
needed to talk perhaps more so than him.
Bodoh’s eyes
were beyond the walls of the station. In his mind a thousand things raced until
all that’s left is a jumbled mass of thought that grew more convoluted by the
moment. He barely heard his friend over the chaos in his mind.
‘Huh?...’ he
muttered, needing the sound of his voice to snap him out of his reverie – a hard
thing to do.
Kalbo
sighed.
‘I asked if
you are ok?’
Bodoh turned
to him, slowly escaping the grasp of the maelstrom in his mind. He stared at
Kalbo for a long drawn out moment.
‘Yes…yeah, I
am’ he said finally. Perhaps he was or
maybe he was lying. Bodoh did not really know.
Kalbo
studied his friend. He knew, of course that his friend was not ok. But he did
not press it…
‘So what are
your plans?’ he asked momentarily.
Once more,
Bodoh took some time to hear and digest his friends question.
What to do now, indeed…
He once thought that his dream would be
fulfilled – to find a suburban house somewhere and build for himself a family. Images
of the minivan that occupied the garage and the various children’s toys that
lay scattered in the lawn…the smell of a casserole that’s slowly being cooked
in the kitchen… the vision of her – he paused at the image of her in his
mind and for a moment, he wondered if there was still a chance… but he soon
realized that it was merely a figment of his imagination. It can never happen.
She was destined for someone else. He never had a chance to begin with. She
will get married but it will not be to him – that much he knew. He banished the
images from his mind.
‘I…I don’t
know…’ It was the truth. He really did not know.
Kalbo didn’t
answer. He knew better than to answer. Instead he took a step towards Bodoh and
tapped the man lightly on the back twice. For in truth, he also felt the same
way…
For a few
draw out moments, they both were silent.
‘I’m going
back to my art.’ Kalbo finally broke the silence.
Bodoh nodded
but he did not speak.
‘Back to
painting things probably…’ Kalbo looked into the distance. ‘I’ll try to push
myself as far as I could go and see where it will take me…’’
Bodoh simply
nodded.
Another pall
of silence crept between them.
‘You should
go back to university and…’ Kalbo ventured, trailing his last words.
Bodoh looked
at him blankly. He heard his friend. Yeah,
university would be great… it is still possible. He still had a good twenty
years or maybe even more productive years ahead of him. And right now, many
things are still possible… But part of him still could not concur to that
idea – he still desperately desired to walk that other road whose door has
finally hammered shut in his face.
Is there still a chance? He wondered. Maybe… He wanted to scream but he knew
that it would be pointless.
He nodded
again. But in the depth of his mind, he dreaded what that meant… a long
solitary journey up ahead. Years and years of having to rely on the social
kindness of others to feel loved and wanted. He would be a scavenger and a
beggar in this regard.
…or he can
be a miser and wrap himself in the cloak of indifference… or be a wise old man,
like Tandang Tasyo…
He honestly
did not know anything.
He stood up
and sat down again. He was confused.
‘…you should
definitely go to university.’ Kalbo said with finality.
Bodoh
glanced at his friend with a sharp look. Without warning his arm snapped out
and a straight jab took the unsuspecting Kalbo on the chin. Kalbo snapped back
from his seat and fell unceremoniously on the floor of the train station.
Bodoh felt
cold sweat form over his whole body. For a moment, Kalbo remained unmoving on
the floor. And then slowly, the crumpled form began to rise up. Bodoh felt the
familiar tingle of anger well up in him again.
Without a
word, he rushed his friend and a couple of punches were thrown at Kalbo, a few
wild and much more connecting with his torso.
Bodoh heard
the sickening thud of his punches connecting with Kalbo’s body but he could not
stop himself, he continued to throw punches blindly, his vision clouded by both
frustration and rage.
For how long
it went, he could not remember. Time was irrelevant for him, the only thing he
was aware of was his need to vent all that he has bottled inside..
Until finally
exhaustion got the better of him.
Through half-clouded
eyes he saw Kalbo’s blurred form hunched in front of him. Surprisingly the
other man was still standing but as his vision cleared, Bodoh realized that the
other man was bloodied . Kalbo was half leaning on a post and blood was slowly
flowing out of the corner of his mouth.
But it was
Kalbo’s eyes that got him. He froze as their
eyes met. Kalbo was not angry – instead, his eyes were painted over by
sadness. Bodoh dropped his gaze and he turned away. He found the bench and he
sat down, clenched his fists together and screamed.
Up ahead,
the sound of the oncoming train slowly filled the desolate train station. Momentarily,
the bright light of the main car filled the darkened platform. Bodoh watched
the lights mesmerized by the sudden glare. His mind was blank.
‘Aren’t you
coming?’ a soft voice intruded into his numbed mind. With a start he looked
towards the direction of the voice. Kalbo was halfway through the door to one
of the cabs holding tight to the handles.
‘Wha…’
‘Aren’t you
coming?’ Kalbo repeated his question again.
Bodoh
started up. Then he sat down again. If he went, it meant that it was ended. He looked
back into the exit. The stairs going up were dimly lit by a single working fluorescent
bulb that washed the decrepit stairs pale gray. Beyond that vision, he saw the
road that he wanted to take but like that stairwell, it was now faded.
He wanted to
run and grab it… but he knew in the depths of his mind that it was not
possible.
He stood up
forlornly.
‘Yes…’ he
whispered ‘….yes, I’m coming…’
He turned
around and with leaden steps he went inside the train. He did not look up at
Kalbo as he passed him. He went straight to one of the seats and sat down and
once more his visions swam into the distance.
Kalbo kept
the door open even after Bodoh has entered. He stared long in hard on the
stairs and saw that same gray road that is slowly fading away. He too wanted to
run and follow that road, and he would sacrifice everything if it meant going
down that road… but like Bodoh, he knew that it was an impossible dream.
The train’s
bell rang once, then twice…
Reluctantly,
he stepped in and the train began to move.
He watched
the train station fade from his view but he stared at it long after it has
disappeared – a silent unspoken prayer in his mouth and a silent tears
streaming down his face.
